Last week, Wesley (call me Wes) Clark promised that, without a doubt, if he is elected president, there would be no terrorist attacks on America. Mr. Clark made this statement after a careful study of military history.

 Well, hot off the press, I have in front of me Wesley Clark's top 10 campaign promises.

 1. There will be no more terrorist attacks because, under a Clark administration, the word "terrorist" will be changed to "homeless person."

 2. John F. Kerry will no longer use the "F" word because he will learn to flip pancakes. Apparently, Kerry's prep school didn't teach the boys to cook but Howard Dean's did.

 3.Under a Clark administration, no member of the military would be allowed to speak to the media, thus making Wesley Clark's reputation rise.

 4. Mr. Clark would undergo decisiveness training in his first one-hundred days, so he can decide whether he is a Republican or Democrat. "I hate Bush" is not a political party.

 5. The next presidential candidate from Arkansas, after Clark, must major in TV appearances, so Clinton, Clark and he can complete the movie "Sex, Lies and Videotape."

 6 Michael Dukakis will be invited to the White House and Clark will make this offer. "I'll teach you how to ride in a tank if you will teach me how to be "competent."

 7. Wesley Clark will hire Howard Dean to head up his faith-based initiative. The first initiative will be: bike paths in every town in Vermont, while boycotting the Episcopal Church.

 8. Wesley Clark will embrace President Bush's goal of putting a man on Mars. Dennis Kucinich will be that man, because, in his words, "it feels so much like home."

 9. A President Clark will hire Dick Gephardt as his political consultant because, as Clark says, "every time I think of him, I think of the words 'miserable failure.'"

 10.Wesley Clark will hire multi-millionaire John Edwards to head the FDA. When Edwards is sworn in, the candidate of "regular people" will proscribe metamucil for every American.

  John Pendleton