The research is now complete. Our good friends in the mainstream media, university campuses, Hollywood, liberal 527’s and foreign dictators all agree. The world would be a better place without the United States of America. In fact, inquiring minds have concluded that most of our problems could actually be solved by an America-free world. Without a doubt, the good ole USA has never been so despised, reviled and hated both at home and abroad since our founding over 230 years ago. And deservedly so! Consequently, Senator John McCain has actually dispatched himself to single-handedly fix America’s reputation in the world, should he be humbly elected president by a more humble America. As Joe Wilson proved, dispatching oneself is far easier than trying to get someone else to dispatch you. And it takes longer. No doubt, when our nation’s world image is fully restored, Sally Field will address the UN to say to the gathered dictators and thugs, “You like us! You actually like us!” I hear you can book her any time in 2009.

 The reasons to hate America are growing so fast it is hard to keep up. We are told by friend and foe alike that we are “making more terrorists” by the minute. Ignoring the entire history of warfare, America’s critics tell us that the only reason terrorists are in Iraq is because we went in first. These are the same people who think we were fighting the Philippine army in the Philippines during World War II. Global warming? We are public enemy number one, a gas guzzling, pollution spewing, Kyoto dissing superpower. After his gripping testimony on Capitol Hill, it was rumored that Al Gore was offering environmental violators confession and carbon footprint absolution in the lobby … for a small fee. In our own hemisphere, Hugo Chavez calls us “devils from the north” and our president a “cadaver.” Forget the billions in foreign aid, economic help, peace corps volunteers and missionaries we have sent to them for decades. We could be doing so much more! Shame on us!. And besides Bush has wrecked it all with his war-mongering, Texas swagger. Putting all this together is enough to make a person wish Vice-President Cheney dead. Oh wait, that’s already been done.

 And another thing. What about those lying Americans like Colin Powell talking WMD before the UN? Last week the President of Sudan was confronted by Ann Curry of NBC News with pictures of genocide in Darfur. His response? “Why these pictures are just as phony as Colin Powell in front of the UN.” I don’t know what has happened to Colin Powell. He used to be such a nice fella. Compared to Colin Powell, the President of Sudan is a saint. In fact, I bet he has no WMD either! What can the world do about these lying Americans? We can never trust them again!

 So you have finally convinced me. If 50,000 Frenchman cannot be wrong, then neither can the mainstream media, university campuses, liberal 527’s and foreign dictators. America is what is wrong with the world. I don’t blame the Islamophiles who shout “death to America,” egged on by college professors who cry death to the ideas of white Eurocentric, Christian males. Who can blame the terrorists or their leftist apologists? After all, they are oppressed. We should be sympathizing with them, even empowering them. A smaller, weaker America might not be so bad. (sigh) Then maybe for once, we can feel good about ourselves again. We can return to the good old days of say the 1830’s, when we were just one nation among many. ( Sally Field’s booking agent is on hold ready to talk dates)

 I have just the right guy to lead the America-free world movement, the little man with the visionary spirit, President Ahmadinejad of Iran. Having been the first to imagine a world without the “home of the brave” (and Israel thrown in as a bonus), he is far more magnanimous than you might think. I have it on good authority that he is willing to employ all mainstream media figures, university professors, liberal 527’s and foreign dictators to hasten his prophetic vision. And like Ronald Reagan said, he doesn’t care “who gets the credit” when the dream comes true.

 And while we are at it, let’s get rid of the word “America.” After all, rebranding is the name of the game in both business and politics today. (See Hillary.com for details) Let’s replace America with “The North American Federation.” Call it “Canamerico.” Henry Hudson and Pancho Villa can be our founding fathers. No more USA. No more responsibility. No more burden. Free at last. America will be just one thing …gone. So will be the world as we know it.

 Here is the real problem. 1.) Too many of you out there think I am serious 2.) You agree with the thrust of this article.

John Pendleton